Psalm 88 and Anger

In today's reading, the author of the Psalm is mad at God. He's asked God over and over for help/restoration and God has not answered. He ends up somewhat bribing God with something like, "I won't be able to praise you if I'm dead, so if you help me I can and will praise you." People in the Bible do the bribing thing kind of often.

I just realized today that I never really express my anger to God and keep it in. I guess I felt that I had no right to be angry with Him, or that it was wrong. Factually, I know it's okay, but somehow it never went from my brain to my heart. Even now, I'm struggling inwardly about this. Just another way I try to make God smaller than he is.

I think part of the reason I have a hard time with this, is because there are men in my life who I feel I can never truly express my feelings to, especially anger, without them getting angry. You learn in marriage counseling that penting things up will only lead to a blow out or worse problems later. Wouldn't the same thing apply to our relationship to God? We are his bride.

After I read the passage, I realized that I've been asking God for and about certain things, things that I believe align with His will, and nothing seems to be happening and I was MAD! I didn't go into an all out screaming session, but I let God know how I was feeling and didn't hold back. Contrary to all that I thought would happen, I feel closer to Him.

I don't think God's mad at me now or disappointed. He's much more patient and wise than I can know or understand. I know I still have growing to do in this area. Anger is something I need to deal with in multiple areas, when and when not to express it.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you feel like you have to change yourself? I have several times, and lately I have felt the need to change a lot of things. God is really convicting me lately.

One change a lot of us are always trying to change is our relationship with God. I feel like I'm never gonna get it, but I guess I'm probably heading the wrong direction if I feel like I've reached my most righteous point before heaven. I still often feel like I'm talking to myself or the air when I pray. Not because I'm not sure if God is there, because I KNOW He is, but because we're not close. I wish there was a list with check boxes of "How to have a close relationship with God." Let's just say, being a PK, Bible college and going to church every Sunday does NOT do it.

Reading the Bible and praying is not hard. I've been able to talk and read for a while. Whenever I have a quiet moment to myself I think "this would be a great time to spend with God," and before the thought is even complete, my sinful nature is saying "No, that's boring. Watch TV, check Facebook, get some house work done." There's got to be something wrong if I'm telling myself to do chores instead of pray.

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by listing all the stuff I do or don't do. You know, "I don't do drugs. I waited 'til marriage to have sex. I went to Bible college. I go to church. I don't swear. I love God. I teach my kids about Jesus. My husband's going to be a preacher." But do I REALLY love God? Do I REALLY teach my kids about Jesus? Sure, we sing songs, pray before meals, read stories. That's not enough. I know Apollos sees and hears EVERYTHING, because he follows me around and repeats everything I say. It' s cute now, but it won't be if he starts putting off reading his Bible or praying or thinks going to church makes you something special.

I want my kids to do what I won't. To be better than me. That's not fair. But you know what, as I write this, I'm realizing that my kids are ALREADY better than me. Their showing me the kind of relationship I need have with God. I need to follow God around like Apollos follow me around. I need to be sad when we're apart. I need to mimic everything He's done. My youngest is 3 mos, and no matter who else is in the room, it's my face she focuses on. It's my voice she listens for. No wonder God wants us to have the faith of a child. Sometimes Apollos will be eating and get freaked about a piece on his hand. I'll tell him, "It's just (whatever the food is), you can eat it" and he'll it. Every now and then I joke that I could probably get him to eat poop if I wanted. He has complete trust in me. He knows I will tell him the truth. Doesn't God deserve the same from me? I've done nothing to deserve the faith of my children, but God has done everything.

This post wasn't meant to turn out the way it did, but I'm glad it did. God's plans are always different than ours. Lately I've been trying to imagine my relationship with God as with a best friend, which He is, but perhaps I will change my outlook that of my children. I can't wait until the day when this will be easy.