One change a lot of us are always trying to change is our relationship with God. I feel like I'm never gonna get it, but I guess I'm probably heading the wrong direction if I feel like I've reached my most righteous point before heaven. I still often feel like I'm talking to myself or the air when I pray. Not because I'm not sure if God is there, because I KNOW He is, but because we're not close. I wish there was a list with check boxes of "How to have a close relationship with God." Let's just say, being a PK, Bible college and going to church every Sunday does NOT do it.
Reading the Bible and praying is not hard. I've been able to talk and read for a while. Whenever I have a quiet moment to myself I think "this would be a great time to spend with God," and before the thought is even complete, my sinful nature is saying "No, that's boring. Watch TV, check Facebook, get some house work done." There's got to be something wrong if I'm telling myself to do chores instead of pray.
Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by listing all the stuff I do or don't do. You know, "I don't do drugs. I waited 'til marriage to have sex. I went to Bible college. I go to church. I don't swear. I love God. I teach my kids about Jesus. My husband's going to be a preacher." But do I REALLY love God? Do I REALLY teach my kids about Jesus? Sure, we sing songs, pray before meals, read stories. That's not enough. I know Apollos sees and hears EVERYTHING, because he follows me around and repeats everything I say. It' s cute now, but it won't be if he starts putting off reading his Bible or praying or thinks going to church makes you something special.
I want my kids to do what I won't. To be better than me. That's not fair. But you know what, as I write this, I'm realizing that my kids are ALREADY better than me. Their showing me the kind of relationship I need have with God. I need to follow God around like Apollos follow me around. I need to be sad when we're apart. I need to mimic everything He's done. My youngest is 3 mos, and no matter who else is in the room, it's my face she focuses on. It's my voice she listens for. No wonder God wants us to have the faith of a child. Sometimes Apollos will be eating and get freaked about a piece on his hand. I'll tell him, "It's just (whatever the food is), you can eat it" and he'll it. Every now and then I joke that I could probably get him to eat poop if I wanted. He has complete trust in me. He knows I will tell him the truth. Doesn't God deserve the same from me? I've done nothing to deserve the faith of my children, but God has done everything.
This post wasn't meant to turn out the way it did, but I'm glad it did. God's plans are always different than ours. Lately I've been trying to imagine my relationship with God as with a best friend, which He is, but perhaps I will change my outlook that of my children. I can't wait until the day when this will be easy.
